GMAT Essays (AWA)

Hi All

My gmat is two weeks please help me in improving my essay. i know it needs improvement. what points have i missed on and what points required more elaboration

Thanks a ton in advance



ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in the editorial section of a national news magazine:

"The rating system for electronic games is similar to the movie rating system in that it provides consumers with a quick reference so that they can determine if the subject matter and contents are appropriate. This electronic game rating system is not working because it is self regulated and the fines for violating the rating system are nominal. As a result an independent body should oversee the game industry and companies that knowingly violate the rating system should be prohibited from releasing a game for two years."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

YOUR RESPONSE:

According to the argument, author concludes that an independent body should be set up to oversee rating system for game industry and companies that intentionally violate should be prohibited from releasing game for a duration of two years

Author bases his conclusion on insufficient premise

Author assumes many things and his assumptions are flawed

First author assumes that , movie industry and game industry are the same, price of game is many a times higher than price of movie, so a ban on two years an less than expected sales can put a gaming company out of business

Second author assumes that,rating system is the only reference for consumers to purchase the game, consumers may use trail version to test the game, play in gaming conventions , word of mouth so their is no clear information how much rating system is influencing customers to purchase the game.

Thirdly author assumes that,customers are not happy with the rating system, he fails to give any evidence for it, if customers have happy with it then their is no need for having independent body and cost for maintaining it.

Additionally author assumes that,An independent body and serious penalty will ensure proper rating system body may be corrupted or violators may also find two years ban not loss or threat to them as they are looking to profit from only the one game.

Author argument may be justified in case , author had given substantial information and evidence for his conclusion

The argument is vulnerable since author fails to provide required information regarding effectiveness of his plan

Argument would be better constructed if some of the potential queries were addressed, few include

Customers unsatisfactory survey how rating system is making them to choose wrong games?

how an independent body and two year ban will ensure the success of the plan?

Amount of monetary loss customers suffering because of ineffective rating system.

Based on the reasons cited above, argument is ill constructed and flawed


Kind Regards

Ganesh

Also I make lot of spelling mistakes , please consider that also while rating

Thanks again

Ganesh